Made the mistake today of complaining about some tricky research stuff to MountainMan…got a swift, and much deserved reminder to STFU.
If I’m not enjoying the research, what was the point of pulling MM out of a steady job and out of his favorite state, and enduring the long days away from home, and all the accompanying stress/depression (on both sides) and guilt (SO MUCH GUILT…ugh)? And from MM’s perspective, every time I complain about what I’m doing is like telling him his sacrifices have all been for no reason. Yay, more guilt. *sigh*
But I’m just TIRED. Tired of hearing my advisor tell me I just need to work more or work harder (I do need to…but I know that already, and I swear to God I am trying!). Tired of feeling torn between success and spending time with the people I love. Tired of students emailing me with questions that they could answer so much more easily by READING THE FREAKING DIRECTIONS. And I’m absolutely exhausted of feeling like I’m all alone here. I have a grand total of 1 real friend in this city, and no one I’d count beyond just acquaintances in the grad program. Seeing the other lab groups interact makes me kind of jealous – since I’m off in no-man’s land I barely know my lab mates.
It could be worse though – at the very least I have a stipend, am learning A TON, and, even if I don’t have many friends, at least I don’t have enemies! And I do have an absolutely amazing husband and sister to share the fun, and not so fun, times with. My most recent blessing – MM just got a job, so he’s making friends and getting a much needed self-esteem boost 🙂
Now, just need to conquer the TIRED with a healthy (or not so healthy) dose of caffeine and some seriously needed sleep!